Boundaries Part. I

n., pl., Boundaries

1. Something that indicates a border or limit.
2. The border or limit so indicated.

I need to start off by saying, I love my friends. They have been there for me since day one. I am forever grateful for having that in my life. But even in a friendship there are limits and lines you do not cross. Last night, that line was crossed. I’m not mad at my friend. I was part to blame and there were witnesses who watched the events unfold. What you are about to read is one of THE most awkward moments in my life. It is a true story. You can’t make this shit up. Oh, and it is NSFW. Ready? Here. We. Go.

Thursday, September 24 2009, a day that will live in infamy.

This wasn’t our typical Thursday night. Normally I would go to lil oven for Twitter Thursdays. This night, I decided to stay home and relax. It was a long week for me. I figure, stay home, eat some fake chinese (Panda Express), watch TV, and talk to people online. THAT’S ALL I WANTED. Then 11:30 PM happened. One of my roommates (Straight, Male, 20-35 Demographic) came home drunk. Typical of this roomate. Keep in mind, everyone who lives in the house (4 Straight, Males, 20-35 Demographic) is so busy, we hardly ever get have a chance to sit down and talk. So this roommate comes into the house cheering as if he kicked the winning field goal in the Super Bowl. Typical of this roomy. He makes himself what looks to be a screw driver. We take pride in using Sams Club vodka in Grey Goose bottles. We live ghetto fabulous, but I digress. We shoot the shit about friends and family. He speaks about helping him plan a night of strippers, booze, and debauchery, for our friend’s bachelor party. He says if I don’t attend this party, he will kill me. Typical words of my roomy. Then, for some odd reason, he mentions to me that Amazon.com sells kits that will create a dildo that looks like your junk. All you have to do is make the mold, send it to the company, and in a couple weeks, you have a silicone statue of your shlong. It also comes with a built in vibrator, for her pleasure. Lovely. Amazon.com not only broke the mold of an online retailer, it made the broken mold vibrate. I blame the alcohol, giggle like a school girl, and turn my attention back onto non dildo matters. Just as my mind erased the image of a silicone phallic dooms day device, a boundary was crossed. The boundary which holds a big sign that says “ITS GOING TO BE WEIRD, IF YOU CROSS THIS LINE.” The boundary that screams “WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!” He looks at me in his drunken hysteria and says, “I made one. Do you want to see it?”

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP FOLKS!

Why would you ask me if I want to see a replica of your dick? Did I ever ask to see your man hood? Did I ever give you the notion that seeing your junk was some how jotted down on my bucket list? Was this a game of show me yours and I’ll show you mine that I didn’t know I was playing? That was just the FIRST line that was crossed. The line that says “WE ARE FRIENDS, BUT NOT THE SHOW ME YOUR DICK KIND OF FRIEND.” The second line that was crossed was by me. Half of it was peer pressure from the people I was chatting with. That is the story I am sticking with. I crossed the line when I answered him and said “Uh, OK.”

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP FOLKS!

Yes, I said I wanted to see it. I crossed the line that states “WHEN A FRIEND ASKS IF YOU WANT TO SEE A REPLICA OF HIS JUNK, YOU SAY NO!” Not just no, it should have been a FUCK NO! I should have screamed it to the high heavens like William Wallace did before he got his head cut off. What a shitty way to die, but I digress. Moving on. So my roomy gets up and prances like a gazelle to his room. Two minutes later he walks out with a pillow case. He hands me the pillow case and smiles. I commend him for taking good care of his replica dong. If I had one, I’d probably just leave it laying around like a pair of socks, but I digress. I slowly reach into the bag like a dumb ass and broke the 3rd boundary. The boundary that says “DON’T TOUCH SOMETHING THAT HAS TOUCHED YOUR FRIENDS PENIS!” The horror. I will give credit where credit is due. All I am going to say is, THAR SHE BLOWS! Moving on. Just as I am about to give it back, the 4th and final boundary was broken. I won’t even go into what this fourth boundary was. But I will tell you, I told him, FUCK YOU! I gave him back his dick as he laughed at himself and Facbooked on his iphone. He went TOO FAR! I was traumatized by the series of unfortunate events that occurred. I realized the boundaries that were broken and promised never to do it again. As I tried to continue on with my phallicless life, I turned my head to see my friend not only on facebook, but breaking the 4th boundary on himself.

Yeah…it was in his mouth….